Sister: A Most Precious Word

Sadly it seems like Barry's battle with cancer is coming to a close. I've spoken to my sister a few times, and while it's not "time" yet, I believe I need to go and be with my sister.
I've been witness to her life for all her 53 years. We know each other inside and out, flowers and warts. The beauty of this is we can just be who we are and no need for brave faces.
My sister's house is full of Barry's relatives right now but the house will be empty in a day or two. That is when I think I should go.
It will be a short visit - for now - but we can sit together and cry together and care for Barry together. She doesn't need to be strong for me and I don't need to be strong for her. We'll just be together, and that will be salve for both our souls.
For in light of this sad tragedy, I realize in spite of it all, I am richly blessed. I have my sister. She is more precious to me than most anything on this earth. And she needs me.
It will be sad, yes. But we will have each other. And for that, I am very, very thankful.
I love you, my sister. See you soon.

Kate Bush Says It Best

From My Sister's Blog

Too beautifully written. I'll cheapen it if I add anything. Please read and pray for my sister and Barry.

Between sleep and awake

There's a great line in the movie "Hook" that Tinkerbell says to Peter Pan after he goes back to his home from Neverland. She says to him, "You know that place between sleep and awake? Thats where I'll always be. Thats where I'll always love you." I say this because in that brief, split second between sleep and awake each morning, my life is normal. In that split second, Barry will be getting up to give our dog his dog cookie in the morning, make coffee and bring it to me in bed. Reality is, the alarm goes off and I look at my shell of a husband who has had a bad night of nausea, vomiting and pain and I drag myself out of bed due to lack to sleep to do all of the aforementioned tasks while the tears run down my face. In that split second, my husband will tease me in the morning and kiss me good bye as he leaves in his big Ford F-150 that has a bumper sticker on the back that says "I love my wife." His arms will be strong and tan, and there will be mechanics grease under his nails. His voice will be strong as he will ask whats for dinner tonight and he will consume whatever I put in front of him with gusto. Reality is, the shop must be sold or let go because he hasn't worked since the middle of January. His voice is weak and his nails are white as snow, as is his face. He will not consume anything with gusto anymore as eating is a huge chore and nothing, nothing tastes good. In that moment between sleep and awake, we are planning vacations, and dinner out with friends and what fun things to do with the grandkids this weekend. Reality is, we cannot plan anything anymore. It is a day by day, moment by moment kind of thing. I'm gonna say this very cliche phrase, but its so true: Cancer sucks. Its horrible to watch the one you love suffer and try so hard and valiantly battle on and there hardly anything you can do for them besides hold their hand, their head and their heart. The tears flow frequently now as the cancer has spread to the brain, and we cannot start the clinical trial because of that. The disappointment and fear were tangible when the doctor told us at UCSF. We cried, we hugged each other.....we drove home as the numbness spread. Barry started talking about getting his affairs in order now. We start radiation today. Short of a miracle, things are looking very bleak. But we still hope, we still love and if love could cure him, he would have been healed a million times over by now with the outpouring we have received. We appreciate all those who have encouraged us, and never mind those who have come over and given us "premonitions" about what is going to happen. We place our trust in our Lord Jesus Christ. God is bigger than cancer. There are still miracles to be had. And God loves Barry even more than we do and maybe He can't wait to take him to Himself. And if that happens sooner rather than later, I will let go with dignity, trust and more love than you can even begin to imagine. Because he will still live in that place between sleep and awake. ....and in my heart forever.

Don't Fence Me In

Crating all six dogs was quite the experience last night. Let it be said I am completely exhausted. Here's how it went:
9:30 - dogs pottied, given Bedtime Cookies in their crates.
9:31 - Moto starts whimpering
9:32 - Shiloh starts whimpering
10:00 - Moto and Shiloh go outside to potty again. Shiloh marks, Moto just stands there wagging his tail at me. Back to crates. Everyone finally settles down.
10:30 - Erik comes to bed, walks into Daisy's crate - BANG! Swearing, both hubby and myself.
10:31 - Moto starts whimpering
10:32 - Moto goes back outside. This time he pees a river. Back to crate. Moto settles down.
11:00 - Hear a loud funny electronic noise. It's my cell phone, alerting me battery is low. Back up, find cell phone, find charger, plug in. Back to bed.
12:30 - Erik has rolled over several times and we are literally face to face. I like my husband next to me but he's snoring so vigorously it's blowing my hair back. I wake him up and tell him to move. It takes awhile, but eventually I go back to sleep.
2:46 - Shiloh is going crazy in his crate. He's frantically trying to move his bedding into a bunch, and is banging his paws against the crate door. Back up, I let Shiloh out. He's meandering and sniffing a lot. I leave him to his own devices and decide I might as well set up the coffee for the morning. Shiloh comes back up. We go back to bed.
Remainder of night: Shiloh is pacing, circling and restless. I am now desperate for sleep and just open the crate door. I decide it's worth it to get some shut-eye if it means cleaning poop in the morning. Once out, Shiloh immediately falls asleep.
4:45 a.m. - alarm goes off. The house is poop free.
And here we are! I hope tonight goes a bit better.

Mystery Poop and More Changes

Having six dogs is a LOT of dogs, especially when they are not "outdoor dogs" (a term I never heard of until I moved to the Midwest) and spend 80% of their time inside with us. No, they aren't Great Danes so they don't take up a lot of space. But there's a lot of hair, you have to watch where you're walking - particularly if you're up in the middle of the night - and the occasional Mystery Poop.
That's what my husband calls it.
We get up in the morning and the house doesn't smell so fresh. Someone didn't bother to wake us when nature called, and left a deposit somewhere in the house. But like outdoors, I can pretty much tell who the culprit is by its location.
Dining room - Shiloh
Base of the stairs - Daisy
These are the biggest offenders. Blitz and Moto do a good job of trying to wake up someone if they have the Urge.
Lately we've gotten gift packages as often as twice a week. With both of us working pretty much full time now, cleaning up takes precious time we could use for getting ready for work.
This gorgeous Sunday morning found us discussing the Mystery Poop problem, as there was a pretty impressive package at the base of the stairs.
Since Dusty and Pinch are crated now, hubby suggested we crate ALL the dogs at night. Not a bad idea. But here's the catch: we have six dogs. Where are all the crates going to be? We do not live in a large house with nice big rooms. So the Crate Discussion began. I hauled up crates and arranged them a certain way, only to come back and find hubby had arranged them another way. There were a few tense exchanges and more re-arrangement. Finally, the compromise: I agreed to give up a piece of furniture in the bedroom to allow for more crates. One more arrangement. While our bedroom looks more like a Doggie Ritz Carlton, it works.
Now that the crate problem has been solved, I realized all the crates need Coop Cups in them. Can't have a thirsty dog in the middle of the night. Plastic vs. metal - again, hubby and I discussed the virtues of which to purchase. I vastly prefer metal. While it's a bit more expensive I think the water tastes better and they are easier to clean and maintain. Hubby volunteered to go to PetSmart to purchase more. We'll see who comes out the winner here.
Tonight will be the first night in my dog-owning history where all dogs are crated. None on the bed, no dogs strewn on furniture and in hallways. There will be no mystery poop in the morning. I wonder how they will like this new arrangement.
Dusty is actually doing much better sleeping in the crate. Erik and I are sleeping better. We'll see if the other four like this change as much as we do.

Life On Hold

Just heard from my mother that my brother-in-law Barry will not be receiving the clinical trial. The reason given is that the cancer is in his brain and pretty much everywhere else. It's spread too much for the treatment.
My sister then called and she said they will do some radiation for the cancer in his brain, some chemo and "some compassionate drug treatments", whatever the heck that means.
Aside from the wide range of emotions my family is going through, it feels to me like life is now on hold.
I've made plans to see people, attend meetings, volunteer at various events, have the grand-kids visit and entered dog shows all the way through spring of 2011. But all will be brushed aside if and when my sister calls and says she needs me.
I can't make Barry better, but I can help make my sister better, or at least offer her my shoulder or clean her house or just be there.
It's horrible being far away, and I await the call to say "come".
I dread it and welcome it at the same time.
And we wait. Try to be hopeful. Hug and pray.

The "Short Bus" Kids

A dog friend and I laugh lovingly about our "short bus" dogs. It's not meant in any derogatory fashion. We just happen to have dogs with various challenges. She has one dog with a soft spot on its head. It's very active, and she's fashioned a helmet for him. She has another one with a deformed rear leg.
I have Dusty, 15+ years, a tad senile with poor vision; Shiloh with his enlarged esophagus, weakening rear muscles and deaf; Blitz who looks moth-eaten from his disease.
It's nice to have a friend like her as we can commiserate about the joys and sorrows of having dogs with above average needs.
Today was an absolutely spectacular day weather-wise. Interestingly enough I felt awful. The aches and pains from the car accident had taken a terrible hold in my legs and I spent a great part of the day just laying on the couch with the heating pad. Later as the sun was setting the pain wasn't as bad and I wanted to take a walk around our acreage with the dogs. It's no longer safe to take all six out as Shiloh can't hear - if he takes off I could lose him forever. Dusty tends to just wander off and I simply can't keep my eyes on wandering dogs. So I elected to take the four that had working senses and let Dusty and Shiloh remain in the fenced yard. Daisy, Blitz, Moto and Pinch had a wonderful romp as we went around the property line. But coming back, I saw Dusty where I'd left him....sitting at the gate waiting for us. I put the four dogs back and took Dusty out. Just Dusty and I walked along the fenced area. He was delighted and I made much of him. He was smiling broadly as I put him back with the others. Now it was Shiloh's turn. I kept myself on the outside as we walked along the fenced area so he couldn't run off. Then we had one of those moments that makes it wonderful to have a dog. It was as if he was remembering us heeling together in the obedience ring and he came beside me. We heeled together around the fenced area. When released he wanted to play. I ran ahead of him and saw him chasing me. Seeing his fur flying and his eyes bright as he ran to me warmed my heart. When he came to me I held him for a long time and we sat together as the time just stopped for awhile.
The cicadas were singing and the sky was turning red, so time to come inside.
It was just another summer night, but one I'll treasure for years to come.

A Sad Transition

It's just part of life, but as I've said before, I don't have to like it. Dusty has slept in my arms every night for 15+ years now, but that time has to come to an end. He's fallen off the bed. The first time, was because he was along the edge of the bed. From that point forward Erik and I always made sure he was in between us. That is no longer working either. Senility is kicking in with a vengeance and he wanders aimlessly over our bodies and falls. So his time being the World's Best Bed Dog is over. I've brought up our biggest crate (can hold a German Shepherd) and put in the deepest, softest, fluffiest bedding possible for his old bones. Tonight will be the first night he's not cuddling with me, and I will miss that special part of my life with him forever.
In my story published in "Tails From Beyond" (www.tailsfrombeyond.com) I tell of the special dream I had of my childhood pet Sunny, only to awaken and find puppy Dusty cuddled where Sunny always slept. He's remained there all this time until tonight.
He's slipping away from me, it's just a part of life but I don't have to like it.
I hope he rest comfortably in his new abode.

I Gotta Take a New Picture

This blog has been here for close to 2 years now and I just looked at the profile picture. Well yes there's five dogs and the blonde, but really and truly it's now SIX dogs. I can still say Five Dogs as the Border Collie is my husband's dog. Since I'm now writing for Front and Finish as a correspondent, they ordered up a picture to go along with the column. Hubby and I traipsed out into the miserable humidity with all six dogs. It was not a pretty photo session. I was sweating and hot, the dogs were panting, and Daisy the BC has always thought that cameras steal your soul and was cowering. To get her to pose successfully you need to run her until she's too tired to care. But in this heat she would've stroked out. So, we eliminated her from the photo session after several tries and tried just the five Shelties. Now Dusty was too tired to sit. We had him lay down and the others sitting behind him. Pinch began to squirm. Sweat was now dripping down my back and my hair began to explode in weird frizzy tendrils. Hubby was getting cranky from my continuous "helpful hints" (Take the picture NOW, make interesting noises, their ears are all up HURRY!) At the end we had a lot of pictures of Daisy running out of the photograph, me yelling and Pinch at various odd angles. Suffice it to say it was not a successful photo session.
I finally eliminated all dogs but the young'uns to send something off to Front and Finish.
Next week it's to cool down, so we may try again. You'll know becuase there will be a new profile pic. Please congratulate us if this happens as you know it's not easy getting six dogs to look in one direction and be correctly posed along with their owner at the same time.
God bless all those kiddie and animal photographers out there.

Hope Springs Eternal

It's been a rough patch these past few weeks but for now things are looking up: my brother-in-law is eligible for a clinical trial close to home. We are now just waiting for them to tell him when he can start. Hurry up and wait, it's driving us all crazy and Barry is not getting any better while we wait. At least we have some hope and I'm grateful for that.
My husband got a job. It's a temp-to-hire one, but it's 12 weeks of no cash hemmorage so again, I'm grateful for that. It will be even better if after 12 weeks they decide to keep him.
The arrival of Pinch has changed things up considerably obedience-wise. Honestly speaking, it's a lot less pressure on Moto. I enjoy being competitive in the ring and while Moto *may* be competitive, it's more likely than not he'll be a dog who earns his titles with a happy smile and a green ribbon. Now that I have two dogs to train I'm OK with that.
We're off to another trial this weekend with Moto in Wildcard Novice. This setting will be a bit more challenging as it will be on soccer turf. They say it's "air conditioned but not refrigerated". Hmmmm. I plan on packing our battery fans. This could mean things will be a bit toasty. Depending on how he does I may debut him in Novice in the fall. He's qualified every single time in the non-regular classes so it may be time to get him out there.
Pinch will be coming along to get him used to the show ring environment. While he takes his surroundings in he reacts unlike any of my other dogs: say it's a big noisy fan along the wall. Most of mine will first shy away from it. Pinch runs towards it as if to say "Neat! What is that fun thing?" This pup thrives on change and new surroundings. This is both a good and bad thing. I'm pushed more than ever to keep thinking of new things to do with him, and how to present regular stuff in a new way to him. It's hard work but in the very best way.
So....hope springs eternal this weekend. First goal is for Moto to qualify. Ultimate goal is to have a good time and a nice effort. Best part of a road trip is snuggling with the dogs on the bed after the show. Moto's big fluffy body next to mine is a bit of Nirvana. Pinch cuddles briefly but likes to explore. We'll see if he's a good "bed dog" as he grows up!