Decision Time

Yesterday (Mother's Day) was not the Hallmark Holiday it should have been. I sure hope this blog is more upbeat in the future, but for now I just need to let my emotions out in this venue.
Poor Moto. It was his first birthday and should have been a time for celebration, but Blitz's illness and my pain just hit me extremely hard. I had a nasty case of depression, and decided to just go with it, embrace it, and hopefully move beyond it. I spent Mother's day huddled on the bed, watching movies, crying occasionally. Erik was an absolute sweetheart and cooked dinner and did the dishes. In an effort to cheer me up he even went out and brought back a box of chocolates. Oh yes I certainly did appreciate them but I just couldn't smile and was too sad to eat them, or any food for that matter.
Today was a busy work day and I'm glad for that. Was on the move from the time I got up until now. Did have a 2 hour window of free time and I seized that to take Blitz out to a small strip mall and see if he could work. I told the Universe I'd listen to what they had to say and I'd abide by what would happen during our brief training session. I used it as if we were entering a show ring. We did some quick upbeat warm-ups, a bit of quick play and he was looking good. We "entered the ring" and the first half of the Novice heeling pattern was great. Then, he began to flag. It all went downhill from there. It's so odd to watch - it's as if his spirit leaves his body. He simply isn't there any more. To watch this happen breaks my heart in a way it's never been broken before. I knew when I signed up for the show this Friday this could happen, but it hit me hard just the same. I don't let Blitz see me sad and we play and I reward him as if he won Eukanuba and we went home.
But now, sitting alone in the evening at my computer my heart is just torn up. I will withdraw him from the show. We won't give up though as that is not Blitz's character. We see the specialist next week and we'll see what he says. He may come back yet again. And if he does, we'll try again. That is what Blitz would want me to do. I need to focus on that or I will lose myself in sadness.
And, I'm so grateful to have Moto. He's a big lover of a dog who loves physical contact and I can just hug him and hold him and he smiles a big smile and pants and gives kisses. Don't know what i'd do without him during this time.
To make it up, we're having a small birthday party for Moto and Belle tomorrow. This will help lift my spirits and remember the good things that are happening in my life. And, I'll see the chiropractor for my pain.
Getting through the Sheltie specialty will be hard but I can do it. I may bring Moto for strength.