Meltdown

In the big picture of life, it's all a bunch of really minor things. But somehow all the minor things came together and I had a meltdown of huge proportions today. It started with discovering Erik had eaten all the peanut butter (two jars in one week) and I'm addicted to peanut butter. Well actually things had already gotten off to a bad start, I was in bad pain I guess because of the cold weather and didn't want to get out of bed, and when I did and went for my beloved peanut butter and there wasn't any let's just say I didn't have a happy start to the day.
But it was just a little thing, and the pain wasn't so bad, I wanted to give in to it but decided to take some Ibuprofin and push through it. This has never worked in the past but heck it's been six months now so at SOME point I figured I can push through this. So I'm peanut-butter deprived but there is Ibuprofin so I get ready for Obedience class. I trained at Dee's last night and we had sooo much fun and Moto was adorable with her dogs and did great training. I was even thinking of doing rally with him in 2010.
So we're at Obedience class and all is going well when in walks a lady I am not fond of - she has a large aggressive breed and her dogs have attacked mine in the past and she is neither remorseful nor careful with her dangerous dogs. My trainer positions me next to her and like the pain I decide to tough it out and just ignore her and be vigilant around her dogs. Everything is fine until as a distraction my trainer decides to fold a card table. Normally "bomb proof" Moto completely freaks out and is like a wild horse. He is so terrified he literally has Checked Out. I'm hanging onto his fur and I cannot even sit on him, he is so terrified of this table. Mind you Chris is not threatening with it, not moving it towards him, he's simply folding the legs and putting it away at the other end of the building. Chris chides me for not exposing Moto to more situations, which, for God's sake, is not the case. Moto has been around guns, fireworks, my grandchildren, an assortment of dogs, cats, shopping centers, you name it. I say this is a freak situation and he laughs and said "they all say that". Now I'm getting pissed. Then the lady I don't like starts giving advice. I ignore her until she gets on me about why I don't want Moto to grow any more and why do I care to which I say (struggling to hang onto Moto) I didn't PLAN on having a giant Sheltie! and then she says I should get rid of him.
I was so pissed I decided to simply walk out of the building. She followed dispensing advice so I walked back in. I told Chris I was leaving and off we went.
When I came home I completely lost it. Poor Erik - all he did was ask how class went and I burst into tears. It was the worst meltdown I've ever had - couldnt' stop crying and bless his heart he just held my hand and let me rant. I said I was tired of being in pain, tired of always trying to resume my normal life and not succeeding, tired of not having a dog to show, tired of having FIVE dogs and NONE were capapable of being shown, I was just plain sick of every day facing a long uphill battle of pain and dog training.
Now that the day is ending, I think what happened was I've never really expressed any emotion about the car accident. And, it's only been a few weeks where I've accepted the fact that Blitz, as bad as he wants to work, will never be able to enter the show ring. So I think all these little things were the straw the broke the proverbial camel's back and I needed to grieve. And grieve I did, for several hours.
Bless my dear husband for being there. He was wonderful. I just never realized how good I'd had it - Dusty, my dear 14.5 year old Dusty, was the best possible dog a first time performance person could ever have. How lucky was I to have him for a first dog. Shiloh - while it wasn't an easy road - he loved to work. His deafness now prohibits him from the ring. Blitz - who could have been a phenom - has this horrible disease and needs his strength to survive. Moto is the world's sweetest dog, but not much of a work ethic. We've spent a lot of time team building and relationship building. I'm not sure where he will excel, and in which field. I think it will be tracking, but I would love it if he could do Obedience too. I miss the show ring desperately, but am willing to take the time to make sure he is ready. This wait could be several more years.
Meantime, I need to dust myself off, dry my eyes, regain my senses and do what I've done since the car accident:
Wake up, be glad to be alive, and try again. When you're alive and healthy, there is always hope and the promise of tomorrow.